so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
You Might Also Like
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
#CoronaOutbreak
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand