I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.