I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!