Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.