“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts