6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
You Might Also Like
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
my professor scared me for a second
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Something Saturday.