My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
This kinda thing happens to me often
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You’ll be OK
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
incredible book dedication
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?