Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
White Castle for the Win
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
broke down and did it
The USS B port
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”