I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”