Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.