[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m not lazy
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Nothing to do, you say?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore