Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.