Not being an heiress has ruined my life
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Mornin. * use accordingly
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”