Not being an heiress has ruined my life
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I think the cat got the dog high.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”