My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Bringing home a sharpie
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.