Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You Might Also Like
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I like long walks away from everyone