Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I love the honesty
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
#JohnTravolta
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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E R: Y
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