You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
SPLOOT
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Raisins are grape jerky.