Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
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Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something