youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this