If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
wut hotdog?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving