i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Story of my life…..
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
This is my bus stop.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”