Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof