Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?