There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!