*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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damn he’s good
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.