if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
This is my bus stop.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
why isn’t he texting back
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck