Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.