Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling