In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!