“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know