“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
#merica
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it