Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Name another movie that mislead you?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong