Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.