Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: