Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
starting a garage orchestra
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar