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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.