As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”