When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.