*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.