Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last