me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*