Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The happy life.. 😊
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.