Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.