wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
You Might Also Like
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I think they could have phrased this better
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Google assistant rules
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.