Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me after drinking all the wine:
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again