ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.