Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Hmmmmm
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*