– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
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*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Every damn time
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”