*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”