hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Pot warmers of the day.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
.. do you even science?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt