Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.