“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”