If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit